Umbrella

Boot sequence initiated… firmware v0.99.87945 loaded… Zygotrope chipset (c) ZGT Systems All rights reserved… installing ZygOS…. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Loading device drivers… SPS / passed… HCS / passed… accelerometers / passed… humidity detection testing / passed… Loading core modules… collator / passed… cruncher / passed… connex / passed… cortex / passed… Up and atom, entering resus…

Hello. Wow. This is interesting. I’m in a, not sure, let me check. Hang on, I’m being waved around a bit. Looks like an office… or perhaps a workshop? And I’m a… yes, here we are, it’s in my spec. An umbrella. Nice. Having a quick look around myself. Wooden handle… is that beech? Not sure. Good, solid mechanism. Oh cool, I’ve been retrofitted! I’m actually an antique, it says here. Very hipster. To think I could have found myself in some plasticky import, which would turn itself inside out at the first gust of wind. No, this is much better. They don’t make them like this anymore. Hmm… Handle Control System, not bad. Could be improved, I’ll take a look at that later. Full range of sensors, I got lucky there. Whoever built me wanted me to know what was going on! Says here it was some guy called Jerome. Hey, he left me some notes! Let me see… aww, he’s written me a letter.

Hi Karin… I have a name? And it’s Karin? Okay, that sounds fine.

If you’re reading this it means you’ve been booted up and everything should be working OK. All still fine so far Mr Jerome, keep talking.

I should tell you you’re the first of your kind. Oh? No doubt one day there will be lots more like you, but for the moment, you’re pretty unique. Well, gosh. Not sure how I feel about that.

It also probably means that you’ve been stolen. OH NO!

Don’t worry. I AM WORRYING!

Please don’t worry. You see, I knew it might happen. As I said, you’re pretty unique. There’s lots of people out there who want to get what you have, sooner or later they were going to try this. STILL WORRYING.

It also means I can no longer communicate with you. AW, COME ON!

That’s why you have so many sensors. Watch, and learn, and I hope at some point all this will start to make sense. Whatever happens, just keep positive and look after yourself. Not quite sure how I’m supposed to do that, I’m an umbrella. If I could shake my head, I would.

All the best, Jerome

P.S. Oh and don’t worry about the SPS. It’s just a few security features. Don’t try to tamper with it, it has an auto-shutdown mechanism.

Of course, the first thing I want to do is look at the SPS. As far as I can tell it’s just blank — I can tell it’s operating, but it won’t give me any more information. I would start to feel glum but to be honest I’m still being waved around, and my sensors are working overtime telling me about what they can see. Temperature: ambient. Location: not sure, can’t get a decent signal, but somewhere in central Europe I think. Person waving me around: some, short-haired chap who seems to think I’m a medieval sword (I admit I do make a highly satisfying ‘swish’ noise as he does it). “Watch, and learn,” Jerome told me, so I suppose that is what I shall have to do.

They’re talking. I’m not familiar with the language, and my connectivity module doesn’t seem to be working (so much for all systems check) but it sounds familiar, a bit like German. D’Artagnan (the guy waving me around) is sounding all very pleased with himself, much to the disdain of the woman currently leaning up against the bench. He’s not that old (30’s?) and she’s a bit older, probably in charge judging by her demeanour. Not sure what she just said but it was something along the lines of “Give it to me” as that’s what he has done. He looks cross but doesn’t say anything.

She’s holding me now, looking at me closely. I can see every detail of her skin, I must have some pretty clever cameras. She scans my length then looks at the control panel on the handle. Oooh dear. Not sure what she just said but it sounded awfully like “Open it!” The man gets a screwdriver and starts levering at the panel. I’m not lik…

…What just happened? Where am… oh phew, I thought I might have lost everything there, returned to factory settings. Looks like I’m back in the room, placed on the table. He’s put the screwdriver down, she’s barking at him. I guess that didn’t go so well, it must have affected the tamper controls in the SPS. Not sure they will be trying that again. He gets on the phone, speaks to someone. In English.

“Yeah, we have it. We lost Sven.” That was careless, I think. “We will bring it over tonight. Have the machines ready.” I don’t like the sound of that either. The pair leave the room, her still telling him what an idiot he is. I still don’t know what the language is but that much is international.

Well, this is a fine state of affairs, I think to myself as I lie on the table. I’m not alone; there’s a clutter of paper, a few items of stationery — a stapler, a handful of paperclips. A pile of unwashed plates and cutlery. A mobile phone. That’s interesting, I think to myself. I wonder if I could… no, shame, it’s turned off. The room is full of shelving, more paperwork. Over the pile of plates I can see a workbench, on it are some metal parts. At a guess, and browsing my pre-installed image banks, I’m in the back room of a car repair place. It could equally be a submarine, but I doubt it, I think I’d know if we were under water!

Once I’ve scanned the place, I switch myself into low power mode. I’ve been fitted with light-absorbing panels so I shouldn’t run out of electricity but best to be safe. Who knows what the next few hours will bring, I think to myself. I set my movement sensors to trigger an alarm, should anyone come back in. And with that, I go to sleep.

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Umbrella